Picky eaters and picky eating: “Stop it–you’re scratching like a cat in a litter box.”
Body language and insincerity: “He was blinking like a toad in a hailstorm–couldn’t get the lies out fast enough.”
King of the castle: “Yes, I’m king of the castle. I keep telling myself I’m having fun. Don’t worry, there are plenty of things to bring me back to earth. You kids and your mom–for example.”
Watching the “People’s Choice” and other award shows: “I’m not watching that parade of buffoons and Botox babies.”
Acquired Tastes: “Coffee, oysters, bleu cheese, Larry King, late-night TV, Mickey Rooney and Judy Garland”
On body image: “If you don’t like what you see in the mirror. Stop looking at yourself so much.”
Oldies radio: “Maybe I’m stuck in a rut, but I like it. It’s the same hits you heard a few minutes ago all day long.”
Cheap imitations: “They’re like hits by the “Soundalikes”–appealing, but not the real thing. Like The Beatles and The Monkees, The Three Stooges and The Bowery Boys, Superman and Batman.”
Living in the past: “It’s OK to think about it–because you are your past. Why relive the past–that you’ll never get back again?”
Climbing the corporate ladder: “Don’t worry about it. Everybody’s not going to make it to the top. It’s not a ladder at all–it’s a pyramid. Most people are at the bottom holding it up.”
Friendship: False friends like you because you’re popular. False friends will hate you because you don’t have the right pedigree. True friends like you for who you are.
Gas Wars: “Why do they call them that? It sounds like frat house pranks after all-night burrito buffets. Or like your mom’s cabbage cooking.”
On being in debt: “Don’t get into debt if you don’t have to. If you do have debts–pay them off as soon as possible. Once in debt–you’re always in debt.”
Taking the last cookie: “Stop arguing with your brother about who gets the last cookie. It doesn’t matter. Sometimes toast is just toast.”
About time: “There’s never a good time–to do things you don’t like to do. Like going to a friend’s funeral. There’s never enough time–period. Take time to care about everything. Even, doing homework and taking out the trash.”
Halloween fun houses: “It’s only some grown men running around in their long underwear with chain saws. Old Man Johnson, from across the street, mowing the yard in his underwear–that would be much scarier.”
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itinerantneerdowell 