He Meant Well

After everything’s over
The best that could be said
Was–that he meant well
According to unofficial
Polls, surveys–with
Applicable, caveats, disclaimers
Buick is removing its own name
From its cars next model year
Rumor has it–during a two-year
Transitional period, Buick autos
Will have T-A-F-K-A-B badging
You’re only as good as
What you’ve done lately

For a Limited Time Only…

Save on gas

Get the last laugh

Don’t go broke

101 funny jokes

Tiny sea monkeys

Animal magnetism



X-Ray glasses

Chinchilla ranches

Learn latest dances

Emu feather bolsters

Concealed holsters

Rebuild a carburetor

Repair refrigerators

Instant gratification

Social stratification

Achieve your certification

How to meet girls

Make cakes with swirls

Cuteness overloads

Without going overboard

Sleep learning

Learning from lemons

Learn a language

Cash from garbage

Learn from home

Work from home

Build you own home



Become a phenomenon

Don’t be alone

Make your own drone

Mental notebooks

Mental alarms

Mental mastery

Mystery writers

Water swarming

Water warming

Water warnings

Allergy meditations

Herbal medications



The new feudalism?


Things To Never Think About

  • Would vegans consider consuming carnivorous plants–and vice versa?
  • If our knees bent the other way–what would chairs look like?
  • Technicolor, string cheese fountains
  • Forests of red weird trees
  • Cheap knock-offs, like Louise & Anna’s Hot Sauce
  • If you’re fair-haired–what is your fair share?
  • Should there be a Cheap Labor Day to honor sub-standard wages?
  • What is Costa Rican boredom?
  • Media rights and meteorites are almost the same
  • How much is a little too convenient?
  • Wouldn’t it be great if you always looked like yourself?
  • Shouldn’t a sense of urgency be one of the senses–along with decency, and common sense?
  • What is the “that one” we say we are not falling for?
  • Nantucket sprockets, buckets, rockets, lockets, or anything else, ending in “k-e-t” added to Nantucket.
  • What if you really could catch yourself coming and going?
  • If you caught a falling star–would you put it in your pocket?  Would you save it for a rainy day?

My Car’s a Star

Igor Kvanska, maverick founder/ CEO of the upstart ZBC Network, has a penchant for reviving moribund TV sitcoms.  Today, he announced plans to re-make, “My Mother the Car.”

For those that don’t remember–and that includes most of us–the series was about a 1928 Porter automobile; purchased as a second car.  The main character, David Crabtree, portrayed by Jerry Vandyke, discovered the car to be his reincarnated, deceased mother, Gladys.  Gladys talked through the car’s radio–voice synched with radio dial light.

The series distinguished itself as being the worst in television broadcasting history.  It lasted only one season.  The producer, Allan Burns, went on to bigger and better things–including, The Mary Tyler Moore Show and Get Smart.

If all this doesn’t have you running for the hills–there’s more.  Fresh from his failed re-make of “Hello Larry,” Mr. Kvanska plans to call this rehash, “My Car’s a Star.” This time, the car’s reincarnated as fictional movie star, Gloria Starr, from the Golden Age of Hollywood.

How he will pull this off is beyond me.  Some moldy oldies should be left alone.  After the Hello Larry debacle, Igor Kvansky seems Hell bent on becoming the Ed Wood of television programming.

Somewhere Beyond the Bluebird

Goodbye logic, hello scary

Country club heroes

Worshipped at altars

Of eternal youth

Among flatulent dogs

And coal mine canaries

Helicopter parents chastised

Free-range parenting

Mama’s shouldn’t let their babies–

grow up to be Marxists

Maintained anonymity

Miscellaneous androgyny

Passed judgement on the New Moo Revue

Unfortunately lost at first hello

Somewhere beyond the bluebird



A new supermarket king
Emerged, from grocery greenery
Punching, jabbing, hitting hard
Kicking butt-taking names

This new king, made
Lots of dough, for lots of folks
So much dough–you could say
They’re rolling in it
Yes, that’s right
They’re rolling in it

It comes in by the truckload
It comes in by the bale
Growers, know this–so they
Grow enough for an army
Grow enough to feed a whale

They’re making dough
By the fistfuls
They’re rolling in it
Yes, that’s right
They’re rolling in it

And–if you’re not afraid of it
Grow yourself, some of it
In the front yard, back yard
Grow it somewhere–who cares?
Then, grow yourself, some more

And, before you know it
The dough will come rolling in
Lots of dough–and you’ll be
Rolling in it
Yes, that’s right
Rolling in it

Perhaps, you’re still lost
Amongst, leafy greens
Wilted cabbage heads
Insane, in romaine remains
Break free, from the madness

The dough is there
Get it–grab it!
What the hail
Are you waiting for?

HISTORICAL MOMENTS: “Klaus Fretzer: Madman Across the Water”

Today marks the tragic death anniversary of eccentric, eighteenth century German inventor, Klaus Heinrich Fretzer, from the village of Buxtehude.

I suppose the right trivia night question would be, “Who invented the Ümlaut?  To which, the answer and punch line, would be–It wasn’t Klaus Fretzer.”

Fretzer is widely thought to have invented a precursor to the aglet. Plastic hadn’t yet been invented.  Herr Fretzer dipped cotton lacing ends in latex rubber to keep them from fraying–christened his invention, the “baumwolle gummi bindenhalten.”

Other inventions were less successful–namely, the “regen dampfen schild klampfen,” mechanized, spring-loaded, pop-up umbrella, attached to the body with leather straps, and a bizarre furry pretzel called the “Fretzel.”  During a dark period of reclusive madness, he later claimed to have invented the Ümlaut.

Because of these, and other outlandish claims–one of which, was the final straw–the “nebelgefahren-klarensehen,” that supposedly enabled the user to see through fog.  Soon after–he became the laughingstock of the scientific community.

He died in a sanitarium, insane and penniless–or, more properly, pfenningless. Villagers celebrate Klaus Fretzer Day every year, by presenting, outlandish re-inventions of common objects, to throngs of jeering merrymakers.

While you’re downing a big bowl of “Fruity Pebbles,” or some other breakfast fare, consider Klaus Heinrich Fretzer; peace escaped him–in both, life and death.  If you’re feeling a bit down in the dumps today, cheer up–it could always be worse,

Nigel Phensworth, “Not Real News,” 1-23-2015©



“FU-EE-2-UU,” Mr. Charles Sandwyche said to the Lynnwood, NJ DMV, when his request for a specific vanity license plate inscription was denied.  “I was totally shocked–because it wasn’t obscene or anything.  It’s a violation of free speech–if you ask me.  They offered me “KA-BLU–EE,” “NUTZ-2-YW”, “EE-I-I-OU,” and “QAA-POWE” as alternatives.  Those weren’t anywhere near what I wanted.  So, I guess I’ll mope along with random letters and numbers.

“We try to give registrants what they want when we can, said Robyn Batson, Secretary of NJ Department of Vehicle Registrations.  We thought “FU-EE-2-UU” could potentially incite someone to violence.  Especially with the amount of road rage incidents these days.  Don’t get me wrong–I’m not putting any of that on Mr. Sandwyche.  I’m sorry Mr. Sandwyche was disappointed.  There were many viable and creative alternatives available. One of my favorites ones is “DT-DU-DOG-DU”–it’s humorous, and a public service message at the same time.  So far, there’s been no takers.


1-19-15, Lantz Walters, “Minute Newsbit”–Imaginary News Network©


dept store 2

William B. Stanton IV, owner and CEO of the Milford, Connecticut based Stanton-Weaver Department store chain, at a press conference today, announced the discontinuation of their “Subtle Hints” initiative.

“It was an innovative idea, that just didn’t come into fruition,”  Mr. Stanton explained.  “Board Chairman, Don Fletcher, and the rest of the directorship, conceived it, as a valuable asset to our “Wedding Registry.”

“After all, males of the species, sometimes need help remembering important events–like anniversaries, birthdays, meetings, and the like.  Perhaps “Subtle Hints” should go in new direction.  Because the message didn’t get through.  As of today, “Subtle Hints” are a thing of the past”

“Our “Subtle Hints” platform existed in various forms–cards, small figurines with messages.  Some items had embedded, digitally recorded music or messages.  These were to be placed in strategic locations, for the errant to find.  Like in golf bags and fishing tackle boxes,” Mr. Stanton continued.  Quite frankly, they were a flop.

“Don, would you explain for us?”  “First of all, I’d like to say how excited we were when this first started,” Don said.  “We had high hopes.  To our surprise, things looked promising initially–till, the bottom fell out.”

“Guys, there will be NO MORE “SUBTLE HINTS!  Our customer survey answers were quite revealing.  Please pick up a copy of  meeting highlights and customer survey results near the main entrances.”

Mrs. S., “My husband, the lazy bum, never gets off the couch.  How’s he going to take a hint?  And by the way–he hasn’t worked in three years.”

Ellen T., “This whole idea is too subtle.  Why would my husband read a ‘Subtle Hints’ reminder card, to remind him of something he’s supposed to remember?  He can’t remember to put down the toilet seat and lift the lid.  He can’t remember to take out the trash.  That’s just crazy.”

Ashley M., “The only thing that would get my lunkhead boyfriend’s attention, is a cartoon jack-in-the-box with a big boxing glove on a spring–or maybe, a cold beer.”

Mr. Lonnie T., “I didn’t appreciate the, “Remem-mem, mem-member, Remem-mem-ber song, Beach Boys, Chuck Berry, or Michael Jackson style.  Whatever it was supposed to be–a singing chicken, popped out of my briefcase during a board meeting.  It was the most asinine, cockamamie, thing I’ve ever seen.  I was totally humiliated.”

“So there you have it–the battle of the sexes goes on,” Mr. Stanton concluded.  “And, as much as I hate to admit it–perhaps we were too subtle.  Stanton-Weaver will continue to respond to the changing needs of our valued customers.  Thank you for being here–that’s all for today.”