Don’t Call Us, We’ll Call You

“Do you have Prince Albert in a can?” Asked the prankster caller.  “Well, don’t you think you better let him out?”  The caller hung up to guffaws of laughter.

Telephone pranks, prevalent during my misspent youth–along with, “Is your refrigerator running?”  “Yes it is,” was the expected answer.  “Then you better catch it, it’s running down the road.”

Townsfolk knew they were kids from the neighborhood and meant no harm.

Aren’t junk phone calls annoying? During all hours of the day, especially at inconvenient times.

Telemarketers bad enough, political calls were the absolute worst. Always from the same numbers. Unfamiliar numbers, never answered. Didn’t unwanted callers ever get the message?

No call lists never seemed to help. Telemarketers and their ilk, had ways to hurdle such roadblocks. They used the local area code prefix to snare the unsuspecting. Robocalls randomly dialed number sequences.

Wireless phones were not exempted. Junk calls and text messages abounded.

Games played for commercial purposes, or games played by neighborhood pranksters?  I prefer neighborhood pranksters.


Small Talk Monday

What’s new?

Oh, I don’t know

What’s new with you?

Ain’t nothing to it.

How about you?

Now, that the old business was out of the way.

Did you hear about the Chicago barber offering spray-on beards?

No, was it the same as spray-on hair?

Not quite, but almost the same.

For those that couldn’t wait, or couldn’t grow their own.

If I couldn’t grow the real thing, I would just as soon do without.

He Meant Well

After everything’s over
The best that could be said
Was–that he meant well
According to unofficial
Polls, surveys–with
Applicable, caveats, disclaimers
Buick is removing its own name
From its cars next model year
Rumor has it–during a two-year
Transitional period, Buick autos
Will have T-A-F-K-A-B badging
You’re only as good as
What you’ve done lately

All-Day Sucker Punches

Lost lots of bets–I’ll bet

Everyday is someone’s birthday

Bought things couldn’t take back

Took back things that couldn’t be bought

Were there such things as social media rights?

Look what happened when you weren’t looking

Apologies to those expecting witty profundities

There’s never a sasquatch or bigfoot around when you need one

By the time you “get it” the thrill has already gone

Still reeling from all-day sucker punches?

Remorse In Paradise

Guests without time to waste
Pirates, poodles, pekinese
Assigned blame, aimed to please
Blocked doors, grocery stores
Their mamas in bad moods
Whacked them with wooden spoons
Upped the ante
Five minutes more
Five minutes here
Five minutes there
But, nobody cared
Caveats, stipulations
She knew what to do
In these situations


Sunday Morning Musings (Tossed Salads & Scrambled Eggs)

The waitress bantered about serious matters with the gray-haired gentleman in the next restaurant booth. He didn’t care that Bama won the NCAAFBC–only that his beloved Auburn Tigers, won the Iron Bowl. The aforementioned Tigers could lose every game, for all he cared, as long as they defeated Alabama in the Iron Bowl.

Second breakfast at a restaurant new to us. Hate to sound like a perpetual pessimist, but what was going to go wrong and ruin this new hangout? The previous favorite, closed after the Holidays. Nothing ever seemed to thrive at that location.

Would the bill be figured wrong? Would the wait staff ignore us? What about pancakes? Could they deal with someone that didn’t like syrup and butter; preferred fruit toppings–especially strawberries. Would the bacon be the right thickness? Cooked to the verge of crispness?

Perhaps it was my due to my OCD tendencies that I listened at all?  The soundtrack of my life (greatest hits of the early seventies) played overhead. ELO, America, Eagles–thank goodness the anxieties from the seventies, were long gone.

It freaked people out when I recalled things from previous decades. “What happened to your gold ’88 Dodge pickup? Remember when it wouldn’t start in front of the Venture store? I pulled the air cleaner, freed the stuck choke butterfly, and it started right away. It as was cold then, as it is now.”

Fred didn’t remember. What were we doing in that old college dorm picture?  My college friend didn’t know and thought the question odd.  Nobody remembered such things.  Details such as these weren’t important to most people.  They were best left alone.

There have been some strange TV theme songs.  Perhaps, the Twilight Zone theme was one of the weirdest.  It did, however, seem to fit.  Most people weren’t old enough to remember the theme from Peter Gunn.  It was similar to the Twilight Zone theme–in that, it was bold, brassy, and to the point.  “Tossed Salad & Scrambled Eggs”–the Frasier theme, may have made a point–most of which escaped me.



Simon Says (Grown-up Version)

Hard to believe it wasn’t you
Alibi so shaky, needed a seismograph
Up to your arms in elbow macaroni
In the midst of a drought
Only words can do that
Another well-known celebrity threatened to go silent
That was after he or she went silent last time
Read between the lions
Ghost or hologram? You decide
Stay tuned for the unsightly evening news
Newer, better, with more feature I didn’t know how to use
Two steps forward, three steps back
Hit the delete button one time too many
Prediction for 2018: More things will happen