Out Of Time–Out Of Touch

Afternoon swoon
Miniscule, minute
One-fish wonders
Mythological
Inane, insane
Hypothetical
Subliminal appeals
Magical cheese blenders
As seen on TV–39.95
Not available in stores
Gullibility, Vulnerability
Liability, probabilities

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Twenty-First Century Good Fellas (Updated)

“I really like you kid; in an appropriate, non-gender specific sort of way, of course,” Said Sal.

“Jimmy, you’re gonna’ go places if you follow a few ground rules.”

“What do you mean, Boss?” Jimmy asked.

“It means you have to change your ways of doing business. You can’t go around cracking coconuts–like you did with Herman the German. So what if he didn’t sell, locally grown, sustainably produced agricultural products?

“Where was your empathy? Why, in the old days, I woulda’ head-slapped you already. I’m going to be more sensitive and give you one more chance. Don’t screw it up.”

“Don’t thank me. Thank Big Eddie for bailing you out.”

“Eddie, what the hell are you doing? I’m braggin’ on you and you’re falling asleep on me?”

“Sorry Boss, I was meditating,” Eddie answered. Sal’s face was beet red.

“Do your meditating somewhere else–on your own time.”

Big Eddie hadn’t been the same since bariatric surgery–in a quest to become “Not-so-big-Eddie.” Last night at Luigi’s he’d ordered vegetarian lasagna. Lucky for Eddie, Sal hadn’t noticed. Eddie’s Yoga classes would have been the last straw.

“Don’t neither of you lunkheads get too comfortable. I’m not done talking.” Sal was on a roll. Big Eddie craved a fresh-fruit smoothie in the worst way, but kept quiet.

“This business has changed. Think of what we do, as Sal’s Security Services. I want you two guys to become security consultants. Instead of intimidation, arm-twisting and gourd-cracking, you’ve got to play to people’s fears and anxieties.”

“It’s like being a bartender. Bartenders listen. You should say things like, ‘How ya’ doin’ Pal? What can I help you with? That’s a tough break. I’m here for you.’ Listen to people, be sensitive to their needs. Even if you don’t feel like doing it.”

“They sell salty snacks at bars; and how about salty, movie theatre popcorn?” Do you two, knuckleheads have any idea why they do that? Sorry, that was insensitive of me. Do either of you two gentlemen have any idea why they do that?”

“So, they can sell more drinks, Boss.” “That’s right, Jimmy. Keep thinking that way, and I’ll keep you around. Think of people’s fears as salty snacks. We will quench their security needs–just like those, 64 ounce, refreshing, cold drinks.”

“Big Eddie, you’re lookin’ good. You’ve dropped some weight, got those double chins tightened up.”

“Thanks Boss,” Eddie answered. “Still got a ways to go.”

“Jimmy, stop wearing that stupid baseball cap turned around backwards. We’re professionals–want people to like us.”

Both of you could stand to be more sensitive.  Jimmie and Eddie looked as if they’d been shot.  Sal fractured many bones over the years–none of them sensitive.

“Next week you’re both going to sensitivity classes.  Don’t look at me that way.  If you want to work for me–you’ve got to go.”

Sal, alleged, but never convicted, wise guy, became Sal–mentor, philosopher, proprietor of Sal’s 21st Century Security Services.  That was then, this was now.

Jimmy and Eddie looked spiffy in their new, dark green uniform shirts.  Eddie sighed, contemplated going home to play with Biff, his new boxer puppy.

Another Saturday Night

Saturday Night’s All Right For Fighting. Another Saturday night and I ain’t got nobody. There are a lot more songs about Saturday.

Except it’s still Friday, at this writing. No use lamenting Saturday in advance.

I have to save my strength for tomorrow’s monthly trip to the warehouse discount store. If nothing else, it affords ample opportunities for people watching and group dynamics.

There may indeed be some sad Saturday night sentimentality, after a few dozen trips up and down the aisles, then waiting in long checkout lines.

More Tales From New Oyster Cloister

Not much good news lately. There are other headlines, however. Here are a few.

  • Where Gordon Ramsay will never eat.
  • Mysterious uranium particles found in Alaska
  • Amy Schumer wed secretly
  • Most Americans were in debt
  • Why most freezers didn’t have lights
  • Losing an aircraft engine in flight was no big deal
  • Sixteen vacation ideas for introverts
  • Still more cute toddler and pet pictures

The author reserves the right to complain about anything, and everything at any given moment.  There were no implications of interest, admissions of guilt, in any of the above topics.

What’s Your Hurry?

That’s the question
All older people asked
And if they didn’t ask
They were thinking it
Good days, bad days
Work got done
Or, not done
Things went the right way
Things went astray
Going faster and faster
Didn’t always make things better

*****************

Where’s the fire
what’s the hurry about?
You’ve got so much to do
And only so many
Hours in a day…
But you know when the truth is told
That you can get what you want
Or, you can just get old…

Billy Joel’s, Vienna Waits For You–

GOOD BEGINNING

No ice this morning–four years later. Nevertheless, a good day with plenty of sunshine. It was Fat Tuesday, and the day before Valentines Day.

itinerantneerdowell

frost & ice 2

Sun dawned
Over, frosted
Meadow
And, brook
Playful, light
Beams, bounced
Off, starburst
Patterned ice

It was
The beginning
Of, a good day
Two, woodpeckers
Rat-a-tatted
In, discordant
Agreement

–Photo Debbie Williams WKRG–

 

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