Good Luck

In just 24 hours, it has gone from winter to spring. Pardon me, if I’m not jumping for joy. Maybe it’s too warm, too early–potential for storms?

It would be nearly impossible, not to know about a particular sporting event, happening this very evening. I don’t have a favorite team in the contest–although I reside 180 miles from New Orleans.

In the interest of good sportsmanship and fair play, may the best team win. It’s a shame Howard Cosell’s not still around to pontificate, with his polysyllabic palaver.  “Tonight these gridiron gladiators, from both the east and west coasts; these two leviathans, battle for football supremacy.”

The Max Butt Slap (An Update)

Super Bowl 51 coverage will overshadow everything today.  Local favorite son, Julio Jones, is the only reason for me to favor Atlanta over the Patriots.  I wish both teams luck. 

From two years ago–a secret play called the “Max Butt Slap.” Will either of these teams employ it this year?  We’ll find out later today.

———————————————–

I’m Brad Fussberger, reporting on one of the most unusual sports stories of my career.  Just when the “Deflategate” brouhaha started to fade, this reporter, learned from a reliable source; that one of the Super Bowl teams is rumored to have a strange, secret weapon this year.  Is it Pete Carroll’s Seattle Seahawk’s, or veteran Super Bowl winner, Bill Belichick’s, New England Patriots?

Like myself, when I first heard about it; some of you might think; oh well–this is just another, strange, seldom-used, triple-reverse, gadget play.  Or some crazy throwback, flying wedge defense.  Well, it’s none of those things–it’s hard-hitting football.

The maneuver is called the “Max Butt Slap.”  And it’s not at all like the celebratory hand slap to the backside.  It involves a defensive player spinning his body around; bowed at the waist, and hitting someone butt first.  It’s a move, not unlike karate, or kick boxing.  The full weight of the buttocks, aided by centrifugal force, delivered, with the force of a battering ran, against the opposing player.

“Where’d the idea come from, Brad?”  The name and play came from an Australian Blue Heeler, Named Max.  Max’s owner, who requested to remain anonymous, told me, “Since Max’s lost weight–he’s been friskier.  He’s “Butt Slapped” our other dog, Maggie, repeatedly, across the backyard.  So far, she’s not “Butt Slapped” him back.  Max has successfully “Butt Slapped” at nearby dog parks.

Right away I wondered–why couldn’t this move be used in pro football?  Nobody could have been more shocked, than I was, when one of the teams was interested.  I’ve signed a legally binding agreement not to reveal any details about which team it was.

It’s certainly going to be interesting to see how the “Max Butt Slap” plays out this Sunday in Super Bowl XLIX.  So far, the league hasn’t had anything to say.  Will one of the teams “Butt Slap” their way to victory?  With the “Puppy Bowl,” and “Butt Slap” combined–has XLIX  gone to the dogs?  If this works, then professional football, will have advanced to the rear.

 

 

HAPPY FAVORITE FURRY PROGNOSTICATOR DAY!

bad bowlers

It’s the big letdown, day after the Super Bowl.  No doubt, some fuzzy-headed, thick-tongued, post SB revelers, will see their own shadows this morning.  For non-football fans, the wait is on till baseball season.

Before I forget it–Happy Favorite Furry Prognosticator Day!  Maybe you hadn’t thought about it much, but it’s a big deal. The folks in Punxatawny, Pennsylvania make a holiday of it every year.  Why should they have a lock on the occasion? Before it’s too late–why don’t we make it a national holiday?

And why should groundhogs get all the glory?  There are other furry critters, that I’m sure could prognosticate–as well. The “Wooly Bear” caterpillar–or, as is commonly known, the “Wooly Worm,”  is one example.  It’s my personal, favorite, furry prognosticator.  The official holiday designation could be called “National Favorite Furry Prognosticator Day” or “NFFPD” for short.

If you’re interested–and I hope you are.  Please contact your elected representatives.  Just don’t tell them I sent you.  I shy away from publicity–just like the groundhog.  Perhaps the thought of getting chummy with furry critters is abhorrent?  That’s entirely your choice.  I’m proposing a “folklore-ish,” type holiday, with voluntary participation among the states.

It’s a bit like bowling.  Some like it–some don’t.  Bowling has it own little language.  Bowling enthusiasts, also have their own clothing; colorful, bowling shirts (monogrammed in bold-face–names, like “Duke,” “Marge,” “Bud,” or “Princess”); and don’t forget the shoes. Strikes mean something entirely different, than strikes in baseball.  Good bowlers–I’m envious and mean no harm.  For baseball fans, like myself–help is on the way!

THE MAX BUTT SLAP

Animal Planet

I’m, Brad Fussberger, reporting on one of the most unusual sports stories of my career.  Just when the “Deflategate” brouhaha started to fade, this reporter, learned from a reliable source; that one of the Super Bowl teams is rumored to have a strange, secret weapon this year.  Is it Pete Carroll’s, Seattle Seahawk’s, or veteran Super Bowl winner, Bill Belichick’s, New England Patriots?

Like myself, when I first heard about it; some of you might think; oh well–this is just another, strange, seldom-used, triple-reverse, gadget play.  Or some crazy, throwback, flying wedge defense. Well, it’s none of those things–it’s hard-hitting football.

The maneuver is called the “Max Butt Slap.”  And it’s not at all like the celebratory hand slap to the backside.  It involves a defensive player spinning his body around; bowed at the waist, and hitting someone butt first.  It’s a move, not unlike karate, or kick boxing.  The full weight of the buttocks, aided by centrifugal force, delivered, with the force of a battering ram, against the opposing player.

“Where’d the idea come from, Brad?”  The name and play came from an Australian Blue Heeler, named Max.  Max’s owner, who requested to remain anonymous, told me, “Since Max’s lost weight–he’s been friskier.  He’s “Butt Slapped,” our other dog, Maggie, repeatedly, across the backyard.  So far, she’s not “Butt Slapped” him back.  Max’s successfully “Butt Slapped” at the dog park.”

“Right away, I wondered–why couldn’t this move be used in pro football?  Nobody could have been more shocked, than I was, when one of the teams was interested.  I’ve signed a legally binding agreement not to reveal any details about which team it was.”

It’s certainly going to be interesting to see how the “Max Butt Slap” plays out this Sunday in Super Bowl XLIX.  So far, the league hasn’t had anything to say.  Will one of the teams “Butt Slap” their way to victory?  With the “Puppy Bowl,” and “Butt Slap,” combined–has SB XLIX gone to the dogs?  If this works, then professional football, will have advanced to the rear.

LOVE ‘DEM DAWGS FOREVER

columnist 2

As faithful “Around the Town” readers know, this is Monday, “Mailbox Day.” My favorite day of the week, since becoming a feature columnist for The Cleveland Daily Times. This letter selected, not because someone agreed with me, but quite the opposite.

For the record, I wasn’t happy about the Brown’s 23-7 loss to the Texans yesterday.  A reader took exception to last week’s column.  Everybody in this town has an opinion about Cleveland sports teams.  This letter was written by Mr. Tony Farkas from Shaker Heights. Expletives were deleted.

Mr. Charles “Skip” Dumas
Around the Town
Cleveland Daily Times
Cleveland, OH 44114

Dear “Skippy” Dum***s,

I’ve never written to a newspaper before. You stupid rat t**d! I’m so ********* mad, I could spit!  You can use my name–I don’t ******care! Because you probably won’t ******publish this anyway!

Your column this week belongs in the dumpster.  It smells bad, like ******Lake Erie.  I ought to come up there right now and give you an atomic wedgie–just like I did in seventh grade.  That’s right, you should know who this is.  Lucky for you, that day, the principal came along.

We’re not in junior high anymore. I’m a working stiff, trying to make a living. I’m my own boss–run an auto body shop.  My job is probably much different from yours.  I’ve never been a big shot with an office job.

But, that wasn’t what got me so ****** cranked up. How could you say, “The Browns stink and don’t deserve to be in the playoffs.” They’re no worse than a lot of other teams in the league.  Don’t they at least deserve wild-card status?

It’s mostly because of “Johnny Football” Manziel–the Browns new ‘Showboating’ quarterback. Manziel is a distraction–gets too much attention for a backup quarterback.  The latest–he’s carrying a torch, because Tiger Woods stiffed him on an autograph when he was ten.  Maybe he’s not worth the big bucks paid to sign him?

Who appointed you ******Judge Judy? You don’t know ****about running a team. And “Showboating?” You’ve got a short memory–if you don’t remember “Broadway” Joe Namath–the original “Showboater.”  He did a ****** commercial for *********panty hose for Heaven’s sake.

And furthermore, “Skippy,” you’re a distraction!  Our sports teams make this town a great place to live. They deserve loyalty and support–not half-baked, cockamamie bull-**** like this.  Give Manziel a chance!

“LOVE ‘DEM DAWGS FOREVER!”

Sincerely yours,

Tony “Big Tony” Farkas
DBA: The Auto Body Experience

Mr. “Big Tony” Farkas, I trust you’ll understand, when I say, no hard feelings.  Thanks for caring enough to read my column. And for expressing your opinion.  We’re not as far apart as you might think.

Sometimes I stick my neck out and take the unpopular side of issues.  Then, I’m the guy sweeping up after the circus elephants.  It’s a hard job, but somebody’s got to do it.

Next time you’re downtown, stop at the Daily Times building. Give me a ring, we’ll get together for coffee, and reminisce about old times.  And, yes–we validate parking.