Ring-a-Ding, Ding

Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding, ding, ding go the Salvation Army bell-ringers.

What’s changed this Holiday Season?

Political punditry–the election ended yesterday. Today, the ashes are falling.

Political pundits do what they do best. Make claims and disappear till the next election.

Let the blame-games commence.

Enough about politics. A couple of years ago, I alluded to a warped version of the “Twelve Days Of Christmas.”

Here are more verses, in addition to, “Seven white-tailed deer,” “eleven discarded beer cans,” first and  third verses–“a large front-yard hole, left by the utility company, where no hole used to be,” “Three decorated mailboxes.”

As for the rest of the song–there’s always next year.

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Between the Lines

I suspect that many times we don’t like things–not because of what they are, but rather, because of the packages they came in.

This also applies to people and their messages. Would you rather listen to me–a balding, overweight, senior citizen. Or, Jenna Elfman–you know, Dharma, from “Dharma and Greg.”

Corporations change packaging constantly. Brighter, bolder, graphics, shout New!, Improved!, Better than ever before! Are you like me–suspicious? Same old product inside, with new clothes?

Something that isn’t same old, same old is our weather.  Winter storm warnings are up for the Gulf Coast.

It’s uncommon, but not a rarity to see snow here.  Most of it will melt before hitting the ground.  TV weatherpersons have been busy.  An hour or so north of here, there has been a light snow dusting.  Nothing to get bent out of shape over.

From the Far Fringes

  • Great lengths for laughs
  • With your mind in mind
  • It paid to be paranoid
  • Less was more/more or less
  • Careful when drinking and driving
  • Were you going to eat that?
  • Why, did you hear something?
  • “My tortilla”–sung to the tune of “My Sharona”
  • Funny typos–like Moohead, Minnesota
  • Top drawer conclusions, without facts
  • Clocks with no hands kept on chiming
  • Tales from when everything was rusty
  • Why couldn’t we celebrate sameness?
  • One-stop shopping, without nagging consequences
  • Don’t you already have everything you need?
  • Secrets of the ancient mummies
  • Do you have this in strawberry?
  • Through with not being believed–If I could only believe that
  • Why were you still here?

Arise–Fellow Incompetents!

While away last week, driving at night, a car pulled alongside. “Your taillights aren’t working. The brake and turn signals were OK.”

Return trip delayed one day, and an unexpected trip to the auto repair shop. Everything covered by warranty.

As was often the case, no problems were found at the auto shop. The service advisor and myself concluded, that an automatic light control switch had been inadvertently turned off.

Who/what was to blame? Speculation would be pointless. There’s enough incompetence to go around.

After this post-Thanksgiving verbal meandering, I would offer the following words of advice.

When visiting grandma and grandpa’s house, please return electronic devices to their original settings–that includes automobiles.  Thanks in advance for your cooperation.

“Three Strikes, You’re Out!” Yelled the Vampire

The world hadn’t ended. It was annual health check-up blood test day. A necessary evil, coincidentally, today is Halloween day.

If the lab technician came out as a vampire, I would freak. Or, what if, even worse–since the World Series was in full swing, she came out as an umpire with vampire fangs?

It could happen if the store had been out of vampire costumes.  And she–the lab tech, substituted an umpire’s uniform, because it was the right color.  Vampire fangs were everywhere, so the two were combined.

Well, that didn’t happen.  Everything at the clinic this morning went well.  There weren’t any vampires or umpires.  My lab tech came to work disguised as a mouse.  She got what she wanted–my blood, with minimal discomfort on my part.

There was someone disguised as one of the flying monkeys from the Wizard of Oz.  With a nearby stack of bananas.  None was shared–not that I knew about.  That was the weirdest thing that happened.

 

 

Only In Movies Or On TV (Cut the Red Wire)

  • Phone traces never worked.  There was never enough time–even in this era of advanced technology.
  • Criminal suspects always headed to roofs of multi-story buildings. The last door would always be unlocked. There he or she would, either be apprehended, or attempt suicide by jumping.
  • Main characters, pursued by villains in cars, ran down the middle of streets.
  • Locks could be picked in a few seconds. Otherwise, a few gun shots to the doorknob, sufficed. Doors are easily bashed in with linebacker moves, or swift kicks.  Deadbolt locks don’t exist.
  • In war movies, guys displaying pictures of wives or girlfriends, died tragically.
  • Strange noises from possible home invaders are never investigated silently.  Instead, with announcements of “Who’s there?, Is someone there?, Larry, is that you?  Is this one of your jokes? If it is you–this is not funny.”
  • Investigative weapons of choice: Baseball bats, fireplace pokers, and golf clubs.
  • City police resented the presence of “foreign” law enforcement officers.
  • There is no honor among thieves.  Someone will turn state’s evidence if the price is right.
  • In police dramas, security cameras are readily available.
  • Air conditioning ceiling ducts, miraculously held the weight of humans passing through.
  • Private conversations in large rooms are never overheard.
  • Automobiles driven, without drivers watching roadways–allowed for better conversations.
  • Older model cars would most likely be wrecked.
  • When bombs or explosives needed to be defused–cut the red wire.