Summer Replacements

Every summer, when prime time TV shows went on hiatus, out came summer replacements.  One example, the John Gary Show filled in for the Danny Kaye Show.

The replacement show must not have made much of an impression.  I don’t remember much about John Gary–except that he was a singer.  It would be safe to say, it was of the variety show genre.

Guest lists would have included the likes of Lola Falana, Sergio Franchi, and Liberace.  These old TV shows can easily be accessed on Me TV or on You Tube.

Three entertainers passed away recently–Doris Day, Tim Conway, and Peggy Lipton.  I’m more familiar with the work of the first two.  Nevertheless, their styles of acting, entertaining, will never be replaced.

Smackdown: Michael Rennie vs. Keanu Reeves

“I thought he’d run away with another woman; he was gone for so long,” Said Mrs. Angie Farnsworth from rural Sandcliff, Kentucky.

“It took me the better part of a week to convince her otherwise,” Husband, Bernie Farnsworth replied.

“Nobody believed me at first.  Most of the folks in town still don’t believe I was held captive by  extraterrestrial beings.  If you want people to run the other way when they see you coming–tell them you was abducted by aliens.”

“How did you convince your wife?

“I just told her the truth over and over.  She believed my story when she saw the  burned paint on the hood of my pickup.  That was exhaust burns from the space craft.”

Did the aliens look and act like aliens portrayed in movies?

“No, it wasn’t exactly like in the movies.  None of ’em looked like E. T.  Don’t you dare ask me if they was little green men–or this interview’s over.  I didn’t ask you to come over to be a laughingstock.  There’s been too much of that already.”

“That’s why I’ve secured the services of Don Handy, a local lawyer, Bernie continued.  I can’t risk mine, or my wife’s character, being defamed.  People don’t have to believe me.  They have to prove that I’m not telling the truth.”

“What was the abduction like?”

“It was scarier than Hell.  I’ve never been grabbed up like that.  First, my pickup stopped running right in the middle of the road.”

“They had two arms with spindly fingers and two legs.  We communicated with our minds.  Nothing weird went on–that I remembered.  They put me in something like a giant ice chest.

“If they weren’t green–what color were they?” 

No, their skin–body covering or whatever you want to call it, was rough like elephant hide.  It was the color of tobacco spittle.”

“I  woke up, unharmed in my truck, after it was over.”

“What’s the most unusual thing you remember?”

“My captors made it a point to remind me that extraterrestrials are portrayed wrong in movies and on TV.  That didn’t surprise me much.  Remember the original “Lost In Space?”  I promised to relay the information and then they let me go.”

“Them extraterrestrial fellas laughed–if you could call it that–because they didn’t have mouths; when I called fifties Sci-Fi movies “teakettles-on-strings movies.”

“The aliens liked Michael Rennie in “The Day the Earth Stood Still” more than Keanu Reeves in the remake.  My wife’s the same way.

“That’s true,” Angie answered.  “There’s a coincidence for you.”

“Tell your readers we’re just ordinary people,” Bernie pleaded.

“Except that you like syrup on scrambled eggs.”  Bernie gave Angie the stink eye.

So there you have it–according to Mr. Farnsworth’s eyewitness account, extraterrestrials preferred the original “Day the Earth Stood Still” with Michael Rennie, Patricia Neal and others.  Which version did you prefer?

FIFTY SHADES OF SLEAZE

“Fifty Shades of Grey,” an avant-garde, artsy-fartsy, S-M film, is about to be released in this country.  The talk of the town–with jokes flying through the air, about bondage, restraint, kinky sex.  It’s rumored, some British hardware stores, are prepared for runs on plastic zip ties, ropes, duct tape, and other items.  To me–it’s just more porn, in a different disguise–with a musical score.

In light of this, I would like to share a quote, from one of my all-time favorite comedy movies–“It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, World.”  From British comedian, Terry Thomas–a description of American culture, from 1963; which according to him, was a matriarchy.

I don’t understand the absolutely, mad (American) preoccupation with bosoms.  If women stopped wearing brassieres–the American economy would collapse overnight.

Sexist?  Perhaps–after all, it was 1963.  However, American fascination with the tawdry–including bosoms; women as sex objects, hasn’t changed.