Captain “O,” I owe you an apology. You’re nowhere near as annoying as the “Talking Box” character in Progressive Insurance commercials. How would you have fared during the Q & A session, on elementary school career day? It could have gone, as follows.
“Are you a real Captain?”
“Why, yes I am–it should be obvious.”
“Is your beard real?”
“Yes, It happened when I stopped shaving.”
“Are those ropes on your shoulders?”
“Yes, they’re pieces of rope.”
“A complete rope would be too heavy.”
“I like your hat.”
“Thank you–it’s a Captain’s hat.”
Equilibrium achieved, because answers equaled the questions in annoyance. Captain “O,” you Sir, are a genius.
Captain Obvious, thankfully, stayed out of my hair this spring. He’s been remarkably restrained since his last visit two years ago. Maybe it’s a new soft-sell for the upcoming vacation season.
A Visit From Captain “O” (And Others Like Him)
I was cleaning winter-killed branches and leaves; enjoying a warm, sunny day in the backyard with my two mutts. That was, until Captain Obvious came to call.
Captain “O” has become even more obnoxious since becoming a celebrity on television commercials. I didn’t think that was possible. He leaned up against a tree, watched me clean and rake the backyard. On the last trip, he could be silent no longer.
“The reason you have so many leaves and dead branches, is because of the trees,” He observed, stroking his chin. I wanted to bop him over the head in the worst way; but, refrained–him being a celebrity and all.
“Thanks for the news flash, Genius,” I muttered under my breath. “Did you say something, Sir?” The Captain asked. “No, it wasn’t anything important,” I replied.
I walked back-and-forth, carrying armfuls of branches to a pile near the back fence–careful not to step in random piles of dog droppings. I hoped Captain “O” wouldn’t notice–but, he did.
“There’s twice the amount of dog excrement in your backyard, because you have two dogs,” Was his burst of brilliance. Like I would get rid of one of my dogs to cut down on yard mess? That wasn’t going to happen.
“Well, that’s all for today,” I answered. “Thanks for stopping by.” Stay away longer next time–was what I really meant. I fetched the empty trash bins from the front curb. Lucky for me, the Captain had a sudden boredom attack and left to annoy someone else.